carmona | ( i've lost count of how many comments we've done now

This was just one of those things I want to be there for, no matter what.

[With that hand out and Iwaizumi clearly looking at it - Oikawa doesn't have to look to know he's staring at the thing he's been missing for months, doesn't have to look to know that Oikawa stared at it too before crying on it while holding his unconcious friend. Releasing his wrist just to carefully, so gently, move his fingertips down into his palm and eventually slide those fingers against Iwaizumi's, he threads their hands to just hold on.]

... [He stays quiet for a long moment though, watching as Oikawa's hand slides against his own which is starting to shake. What was going on? He bends the parts that he'd recovered before through Shigeru regrowing them, but it's when they flatten against Oikawa's skin that he sits up a bit, his left hand shifting to try and get out the blankets so he can push it onto the floor.

He tries to squeeze it, and really that part isn't the problem but--]

[Squeezing the hand in his back, watching with barely open eyes through dark hair, Oikawa almost knows something's wrong before Iwaizumi can confirm it. Squeezing his hand tightly, it should be too tightly, he quietly just kisses the top of his head.]

I think I get the frustration now. From when I hurt my knee, the first time. You were really upset, and angry, and you kept yelling at me for being an idiot. It was already done and over and there wasn't anything that could be done, but. [But you wanted to be there. You wanted to prevent it, even if it was going to happen anyway. This is almost the opposite situation, and yet Oikawa feels just as helplessly frustrated that he wasn't there to just be there.]

[Enough of his hand is already for him to grunt at that too tight squeeze, but it's hard to focus on Oikawa's words when there's... something weird going on here. He doesn't want to demand that he let go either, not yet, but it's hard to tell for sure like that.

He's not usually the one in this situation though either, the one being chastised for some stupid decision. The longer this goes on, even if it looks normal now, his stomach starts to drop wondering whether they shouldn't have done this.]

Oikawa. Stop... just. One minute, please.

[He can't talk about all this yet, not until he works this out. His voice sounds strained for one thing. First things first, he locks himself in place so his left hand can reach up. His hand opens from Oikawa's, but he doesn't pull away.

He hesitates.]

[Oikawa bites his own lip hard to quiet down, to stop talking at all because he's still too upset - he has too much more he wants to say, but one minute. He stays quiet to let Iwaizumi get his shit together because something is wrong and he feels like he wants to cry for seeing him hesitate like that.

It was all his fault in the first place anyway, he reached out when he shouldn't have, he called for him -]

[He doesn't even glance at Oikawa as he slowly pries his hand away, palm of his other hand flattening out. It's still hesitant as hell, but he lets his fingers tap down onto the skin.

His palm definitely feels it, he sees it, but his fingers... they don't feel anything.]

Shit.

[His hand shakes, clenching, unclenching, then he tries it again. There's just... one more thing.]

They're... really there, right?

Yeah. They are.

[His voice is soft, so very soft as he watches Iwaizumi test his hand out and he can tell just in how he keeps moving them - he can feel, but he can't to a point. Where exactly he can't say yet, but the more he watches, the more Oikawa can guess it's directly in his fingers.]

Hajime.

[When he swallows it's tight, and he finally lets the very tips of those fingers rest against his left palm. Slowly, he takes the index finger of his right and rolls it down. His hand is shaking so much it's hard to tell what he's feeling, but it isn't until just before the knuckle that he can actually feel anything, like they're still...

Like they're still dead.]

Don't.

[His voice cracks a bit, he flexes his hand out, then in, curves it into a fist. It's impossible, yet somehow ... exactly what has happened.]

[Oikawa doesn't say anything - he just recaptures that right hand with his own and lifts it up to press it to his face, nose buried in his palm because he can't stand the pain that one word had - he hates seeing this shake in the person who is his rock, and while Oikawa is really angry and upset with him? He still loves him. He still hates seeing him hurt like this.]

[It's still shaking, even when Oikawa holds it to his face like that. He leans to bury his face against his neck as soon as he has the chance, hating that despite how he tried to make things easier it fucked things up more.]

We... we thought it'd be easier than...

[He bites his lip hard, slides down a bit until his forehead is against Oikawa's collarbone instead.] Sorry. For keeping you out of it. I guess part of me expected it wouldn't be this easy.

[Curling his other arm around him again to secure him against his frame, kissing that palm then before cradling him with his own right hand stroking Iwaizumi's hair, Oikawa just rocks gently with holding him. They're both still grieving for all this in the end, aren't they. He doesn't say anything immediately, he just kisses the top of his head and holds him through it.]

Shhhh shh. It's okay. [Part of him argues that it's not okay, he's still upset, but he can shove off his own feelings about it for now. Now he's just here to support him, to hold him because it didn't... work out. Not the way they wanted.]

[Really, Iwaizumi has held on more than most. Sure there's been a few times when he's gotten upset over his loss. There's been times when he'd wanted to give in, especially before Shigeru started helping. He'd gotten hopeful that this would be it, that this would be the end of it though (and really it is, there's nothing else they can do now. He's stuck with this) and things would be okay and all that fell through.

He's tired. He's upset. He just really doesn't have the energy to be chastised on top of that because unlike Oikawa's stubborn attitude who refuses to admit they fucked up--he admits it already. He shouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have made this attempt, he just should have waited a little more.

So he cries. He breaks down and cries.]

[Letting him cry and just holding him, continuing to rock them both and pet his hair, Oikawa doesn't aim to shush his tears - he just lets him cry it out. It makes his heart clench in ways he hates, but at least he's here right now. He's here holding him and keeping him safe while he is vulnerable, he is who he trusts the most - so Oikawa doesn't complain. Doesn't argue, doesn't scold.]

Shhh, shh.. [It's just a soft sound to sooth him, before Oikawa starts humming tunelessly while still rocking him.]

[He's not really a loud crier in comparison, just bites into his lip until the skin bruises and threatens to break and clings onto him. His arms circle around Oikawa's waist and while he feels bad because he knows Oikawa is hardly coping either, he needs this more right now.

He can only be a rock for so long.]

I can't feel it... [He finally says it aloud, but it's the trick to finally calm down a little, to finally let it sink it.] I can't feel them.

I'm sorry, Hajime.

[Oikawa says it gently, still stroking his hair and his neck and shoulders. There's not much else to say, really. Iwaizumi confirming what was really wrong with them though left Oikawa wanting to reach for that hand, to kiss the feeling back into them - but he knows that doesn't logically work. If he can't feel through them, then it was the digits themselves that were dead?]

I'm sorry.

We thought it might work, because they were still... [They were fresh? As though they'd only been cleaned but hadn't been gone from his hand for long. They look the part. It's just.

That's it.

He doesn't cry much now the initial burst is over, but his shoulders still shake slightly as he curls both hands to grip Oikawa's shirt. It's no surprise when he has no control over how the right grips when it comes to holding the material in place.]

It was worth a shot.

[He never said it was a bad idea. Reaching to keep petting his hair, even dipping his touch down to cradle his face and use his thumbs to wipe those tears away, Oikawa kissed his forehead again then.]

You had to try. It's okay.

[He slumps into him when Oikawa cradles his face, blinking blearily as tears are wiped away. His eyes shut slowly and he tries to breathe normally.]

Sorry... I'm sorry. [He can't stop himself from gnawing at his lip.] I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry. I was being upset over something dumb. You don't have to apologize.

[Oikawa gently keeps wiping those tears, before he slips one thumb down to gently push and smooth across Iwaizumi's lip to keep him from chewing on himself further. There were red marks already lining his lower lip, he has been biting himself to try to not hurt so much, jeez..]

[He slowly parts his lips for the other, looking at him pretty sadly considering the hell they've gone through. It's weird to think that throughout their lives Iwaizumi has always had to be the one picking up the pieces but this time it's the other way around.

It's why he furrows his brow a little, tilts his head to kiss at the thumb Oikawa presses to his mouth.]

Maybe we were both dumb.

Maybe.

[Mumbling the word softly, leaning in to kiss his forehead, then down his nose until he was meeting his lips, the kisses stayed soft and gentle and just reassuring him that he's there. Oikawa is there to pull Iwaizumi back together, to hold that hand until he figured out what he wanted to do from that point. To be there even after.]

I was only mad you didn't want to call me until after. I'm not mad that you wanted to get them fixed. [He keeps kissing him, speaking so gently.]

I know. [Each kiss makes his heart flutter a little, helping it feel as though he has life in him again.] I know, I just... after what happened before I didn't think it'd go okay. I don't know.

[His own voice is just as quiet, but he returns the kisses just as softly as well.]

[Cradling his face and giving his cheeks a soft squish, kissing him so much warmer, Oikawa gently tugs on his lower lip with his teeth, keeping his gaze now with affection showing through the worry.]

Hey. I love you. Okay? [No matter what. Even with dumb shit like this where we miscommunicate.]

[He looks pained, knowing he fucked up this time. He doesn't know how to say that he didn't think Oikawa would have handled it. He doesn't want to say it, instead he says:] I love you too.

[Shutting his eyes and just letting that wash over him, squishing Iwaizumi's cheeks again, he tried to calm his own problems with it down to think. Why wouldn't he have told him? Where did he get his fingertips? Would it really have been that awful?]

Thank you. For trying to keep me from having more to have nightmares about. [After a long stretch of just breathing with him, Oikawa manages to say this softly. It's all he can think of.]

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this became more pain than we wanted it to be

it'll be more painful in game lbr... at least here they can make out [bleak] to take the pain away

AHAHA yeah ;a;

weeps.............

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