[There's a soft noise that slips out as he's shuffled up, sees how bad Oikawa looks and dreads to think the state things ended up in. They've probably slept worse since that argument days ago anyway, giving way too much space to make up for the amount of closeness they'd had previously.
He slumps into him, hardly putting up a fight. There's something confusing him though when he attempts to curl his hands up into fists. Nothing different with... either? He isn't sure. He doesn't know if he's imagining it, but--]
[There's almost a hint of too bad in his grunt, curling his arms more securely to cover up the small trembles he has had since getting Iwaizumi bundled up, but eventually Oikawa relents. He's awake now, he won't be thrashing so much anymore, right? He doesn't release his arms so much as he tugs at the blanket to help Iwaizumi unbundle from it a little.]
... Why didn't you tell me you got them? [It was gross to imagine, but he wanted to be there for him.]
[Even when Oikawa tugs the blanket open a bit for him he doesn't fight to pull away, just stays slumped against him. It's hard to say, but...] You would have freaked out. That was the last thing you needed at the moment.
[It was to protect him.] It didn't work anyway, did it?
[He... can't tell. At the moment... he can't tell why but it feels the same. The length feels the same because the nerves stop after a certain point.] You were already mad at me, so what does it matter.
[His voice cracked a little with his tone, still hushed because he doesn't want to alert people outside the room that they're up, but god damnit. Burying his face into Iwaizumi's hair again and reaching with one hand, reaching into the blankets to find that right hand, Oikawa holds the wrist. He doesn't want to hurt him, he never wants to hurt him.]
I wanted to be there with you anyway, do you not trust me to have your back, Hajime?
[He winces slightly, hearing the crack in his voice even if it is still shushed. At least when Oikawa is buried against him he doesn't have to look him in the eye. It's when his right hand, clear of bandages and full is dragged out that he freezes in place, staring at it in wonder.
What...?]
What? [How is it...?] Oikawa you know I do, but-- this is different. This was. [He can't tear his eyes away though, because something isn't right.]
This was just one of those things I want to be there for, no matter what.
[With that hand out and Iwaizumi clearly looking at it - Oikawa doesn't have to look to know he's staring at the thing he's been missing for months, doesn't have to look to know that Oikawa stared at it too before crying on it while holding his unconcious friend. Releasing his wrist just to carefully, so gently, move his fingertips down into his palm and eventually slide those fingers against Iwaizumi's, he threads their hands to just hold on.]
... [He stays quiet for a long moment though, watching as Oikawa's hand slides against his own which is starting to shake. What was going on? He bends the parts that he'd recovered before through Shigeru regrowing them, but it's when they flatten against Oikawa's skin that he sits up a bit, his left hand shifting to try and get out the blankets so he can push it onto the floor.
He tries to squeeze it, and really that part isn't the problem but--]
[Squeezing the hand in his back, watching with barely open eyes through dark hair, Oikawa almost knows something's wrong before Iwaizumi can confirm it. Squeezing his hand tightly, it should be too tightly, he quietly just kisses the top of his head.]
I think I get the frustration now. From when I hurt my knee, the first time. You were really upset, and angry, and you kept yelling at me for being an idiot. It was already done and over and there wasn't anything that could be done, but. [But you wanted to be there. You wanted to prevent it, even if it was going to happen anyway. This is almost the opposite situation, and yet Oikawa feels just as helplessly frustrated that he wasn't there to just be there.]
[Enough of his hand is already for him to grunt at that too tight squeeze, but it's hard to focus on Oikawa's words when there's... something weird going on here. He doesn't want to demand that he let go either, not yet, but it's hard to tell for sure like that.
He's not usually the one in this situation though either, the one being chastised for some stupid decision. The longer this goes on, even if it looks normal now, his stomach starts to drop wondering whether they shouldn't have done this.]
Oikawa. Stop... just. One minute, please.
[He can't talk about all this yet, not until he works this out. His voice sounds strained for one thing. First things first, he locks himself in place so his left hand can reach up. His hand opens from Oikawa's, but he doesn't pull away.
[Oikawa bites his own lip hard to quiet down, to stop talking at all because he's still too upset - he has too much more he wants to say, but one minute. He stays quiet to let Iwaizumi get his shit together because something is wrong and he feels like he wants to cry for seeing him hesitate like that.
It was all his fault in the first place anyway, he reached out when he shouldn't have, he called for him -]
[He doesn't even glance at Oikawa as he slowly pries his hand away, palm of his other hand flattening out. It's still hesitant as hell, but he lets his fingers tap down onto the skin.
His palm definitely feels it, he sees it, but his fingers... they don't feel anything.]
Shit.
[His hand shakes, clenching, unclenching, then he tries it again. There's just... one more thing.]
[His voice is soft, so very soft as he watches Iwaizumi test his hand out and he can tell just in how he keeps moving them - he can feel, but he can't to a point. Where exactly he can't say yet, but the more he watches, the more Oikawa can guess it's directly in his fingers.]
[When he swallows it's tight, and he finally lets the very tips of those fingers rest against his left palm. Slowly, he takes the index finger of his right and rolls it down. His hand is shaking so much it's hard to tell what he's feeling, but it isn't until just before the knuckle that he can actually feel anything, like they're still...
Like they're still dead.]
Don't.
[His voice cracks a bit, he flexes his hand out, then in, curves it into a fist. It's impossible, yet somehow ... exactly what has happened.]
[Oikawa doesn't say anything - he just recaptures that right hand with his own and lifts it up to press it to his face, nose buried in his palm because he can't stand the pain that one word had - he hates seeing this shake in the person who is his rock, and while Oikawa is really angry and upset with him? He still loves him. He still hates seeing him hurt like this.]
it'll be more painful in game lbr... at least here they can make out [bleak] to take the pain away
[It's still shaking, even when Oikawa holds it to his face like that. He leans to bury his face against his neck as soon as he has the chance, hating that despite how he tried to make things easier it fucked things up more.]
We... we thought it'd be easier than...
[He bites his lip hard, slides down a bit until his forehead is against Oikawa's collarbone instead.] Sorry. For keeping you out of it. I guess part of me expected it wouldn't be this easy.
[Curling his other arm around him again to secure him against his frame, kissing that palm then before cradling him with his own right hand stroking Iwaizumi's hair, Oikawa just rocks gently with holding him. They're both still grieving for all this in the end, aren't they. He doesn't say anything immediately, he just kisses the top of his head and holds him through it.]
Shhhh shh. It's okay. [Part of him argues that it's not okay, he's still upset, but he can shove off his own feelings about it for now. Now he's just here to support him, to hold him because it didn't... work out. Not the way they wanted.]
[Really, Iwaizumi has held on more than most. Sure there's been a few times when he's gotten upset over his loss. There's been times when he'd wanted to give in, especially before Shigeru started helping. He'd gotten hopeful that this would be it, that this would be the end of it though (and really it is, there's nothing else they can do now. He's stuck with this) and things would be okay and all that fell through.
He's tired. He's upset. He just really doesn't have the energy to be chastised on top of that because unlike Oikawa's stubborn attitude who refuses to admit they fucked up--he admits it already. He shouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have made this attempt, he just should have waited a little more.
[Letting him cry and just holding him, continuing to rock them both and pet his hair, Oikawa doesn't aim to shush his tears - he just lets him cry it out. It makes his heart clench in ways he hates, but at least he's here right now. He's here holding him and keeping him safe while he is vulnerable, he is who he trusts the most - so Oikawa doesn't complain. Doesn't argue, doesn't scold.]
Shhh, shh.. [It's just a soft sound to sooth him, before Oikawa starts humming tunelessly while still rocking him.]
[He's not really a loud crier in comparison, just bites into his lip until the skin bruises and threatens to break and clings onto him. His arms circle around Oikawa's waist and while he feels bad because he knows Oikawa is hardly coping either, he needs this more right now.
He can only be a rock for so long.]
I can't feel it... [He finally says it aloud, but it's the trick to finally calm down a little, to finally let it sink it.] I can't feel them.
[Oikawa says it gently, still stroking his hair and his neck and shoulders. There's not much else to say, really. Iwaizumi confirming what was really wrong with them though left Oikawa wanting to reach for that hand, to kiss the feeling back into them - but he knows that doesn't logically work. If he can't feel through them, then it was the digits themselves that were dead?]
We thought it might work, because they were still... [They were fresh? As though they'd only been cleaned but hadn't been gone from his hand for long. They look the part. It's just.
That's it.
He doesn't cry much now the initial burst is over, but his shoulders still shake slightly as he curls both hands to grip Oikawa's shirt. It's no surprise when he has no control over how the right grips when it comes to holding the material in place.]
[He never said it was a bad idea. Reaching to keep petting his hair, even dipping his touch down to cradle his face and use his thumbs to wipe those tears away, Oikawa kissed his forehead again then.]
I'm sorry. I was being upset over something dumb. You don't have to apologize.
[Oikawa gently keeps wiping those tears, before he slips one thumb down to gently push and smooth across Iwaizumi's lip to keep him from chewing on himself further. There were red marks already lining his lower lip, he has been biting himself to try to not hurt so much, jeez..]
[He slowly parts his lips for the other, looking at him pretty sadly considering the hell they've gone through. It's weird to think that throughout their lives Iwaizumi has always had to be the one picking up the pieces but this time it's the other way around.
It's why he furrows his brow a little, tilts his head to kiss at the thumb Oikawa presses to his mouth.]
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He slumps into him, hardly putting up a fight. There's something confusing him though when he attempts to curl his hands up into fists. Nothing different with... either? He isn't sure. He doesn't know if he's imagining it, but--]
Oikawa, it's too hot... I'm too hot.
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... Why didn't you tell me you got them? [It was gross to imagine, but he wanted to be there for him.]
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[It was to protect him.] It didn't work anyway, did it?
[He... can't tell. At the moment... he can't tell why but it feels the same. The length feels the same because the nerves stop after a certain point.] You were already mad at me, so what does it matter.
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[His voice cracked a little with his tone, still hushed because he doesn't want to alert people outside the room that they're up, but god damnit. Burying his face into Iwaizumi's hair again and reaching with one hand, reaching into the blankets to find that right hand, Oikawa holds the wrist. He doesn't want to hurt him, he never wants to hurt him.]
I wanted to be there with you anyway, do you not trust me to have your back, Hajime?
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What...?]
What? [How is it...?] Oikawa you know I do, but-- this is different. This was. [He can't tear his eyes away though, because something isn't right.]
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[With that hand out and Iwaizumi clearly looking at it - Oikawa doesn't have to look to know he's staring at the thing he's been missing for months, doesn't have to look to know that Oikawa stared at it too before crying on it while holding his unconcious friend. Releasing his wrist just to carefully, so gently, move his fingertips down into his palm and eventually slide those fingers against Iwaizumi's, he threads their hands to just hold on.]
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He tries to squeeze it, and really that part isn't the problem but--]
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I think I get the frustration now. From when I hurt my knee, the first time. You were really upset, and angry, and you kept yelling at me for being an idiot. It was already done and over and there wasn't anything that could be done, but. [But you wanted to be there. You wanted to prevent it, even if it was going to happen anyway. This is almost the opposite situation, and yet Oikawa feels just as helplessly frustrated that he wasn't there to just be there.]
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He's not usually the one in this situation though either, the one being chastised for some stupid decision. The longer this goes on, even if it looks normal now, his stomach starts to drop wondering whether they shouldn't have done this.]
Oikawa. Stop... just. One minute, please.
[He can't talk about all this yet, not until he works this out. His voice sounds strained for one thing. First things first, he locks himself in place so his left hand can reach up. His hand opens from Oikawa's, but he doesn't pull away.
He hesitates.]
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It was all his fault in the first place anyway, he reached out when he shouldn't have, he called for him -]
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His palm definitely feels it, he sees it, but his fingers... they don't feel anything.]
Shit.
[His hand shakes, clenching, unclenching, then he tries it again. There's just... one more thing.]
They're... really there, right?
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[His voice is soft, so very soft as he watches Iwaizumi test his hand out and he can tell just in how he keeps moving them - he can feel, but he can't to a point. Where exactly he can't say yet, but the more he watches, the more Oikawa can guess it's directly in his fingers.]
Hajime.
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Like they're still dead.]
Don't.
[His voice cracks a bit, he flexes his hand out, then in, curves it into a fist. It's impossible, yet somehow ... exactly what has happened.]
this became more pain than we wanted it to be
it'll be more painful in game lbr... at least here they can make out [bleak] to take the pain away
We... we thought it'd be easier than...
[He bites his lip hard, slides down a bit until his forehead is against Oikawa's collarbone instead.] Sorry. For keeping you out of it. I guess part of me expected it wouldn't be this easy.
AHAHA yeah ;a;
Shhhh shh. It's okay. [Part of him argues that it's not okay, he's still upset, but he can shove off his own feelings about it for now. Now he's just here to support him, to hold him because it didn't... work out. Not the way they wanted.]
weeps.............
He's tired. He's upset. He just really doesn't have the energy to be chastised on top of that because unlike Oikawa's stubborn attitude who refuses to admit they fucked up--he admits it already. He shouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have made this attempt, he just should have waited a little more.
So he cries. He breaks down and cries.]
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Shhh, shh.. [It's just a soft sound to sooth him, before Oikawa starts humming tunelessly while still rocking him.]
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He can only be a rock for so long.]
I can't feel it... [He finally says it aloud, but it's the trick to finally calm down a little, to finally let it sink it.] I can't feel them.
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[Oikawa says it gently, still stroking his hair and his neck and shoulders. There's not much else to say, really. Iwaizumi confirming what was really wrong with them though left Oikawa wanting to reach for that hand, to kiss the feeling back into them - but he knows that doesn't logically work. If he can't feel through them, then it was the digits themselves that were dead?]
I'm sorry.
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That's it.
He doesn't cry much now the initial burst is over, but his shoulders still shake slightly as he curls both hands to grip Oikawa's shirt. It's no surprise when he has no control over how the right grips when it comes to holding the material in place.]
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[He never said it was a bad idea. Reaching to keep petting his hair, even dipping his touch down to cradle his face and use his thumbs to wipe those tears away, Oikawa kissed his forehead again then.]
You had to try. It's okay.
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Sorry... I'm sorry. [He can't stop himself from gnawing at his lip.] I'm really sorry.
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[Oikawa gently keeps wiping those tears, before he slips one thumb down to gently push and smooth across Iwaizumi's lip to keep him from chewing on himself further. There were red marks already lining his lower lip, he has been biting himself to try to not hurt so much, jeez..]
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It's why he furrows his brow a little, tilts his head to kiss at the thumb Oikawa presses to his mouth.]
Maybe we were both dumb.
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